Ep. 14 - How To Tell Family

Betrayal Trauma & Addiction Recovery Podcast - Clark N Linda Show Betrayal Trauma & Addiction Recovery Podcast - Clark N Linda Show Betrayal Trauma & Addiction Recovery Podcast - Clark N Linda Show Betrayal Trauma & Addiction Recovery Podcast - Clark N Linda Show

An important part of recovery and healing is overcoming shame and being vulnerable with those you love most—your family. In this episode, we talk about why it’s important to share with your family, how you might want to approach it, and we share what our experience was like in sharing.

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TIME CODES & SHOW NOTES

  • 0:50 Intro by Linda
  • 1:41 “It’s not fear that gets in the way of showing up. It’s armor. It’s the behaviors we use to self protect. We can be afraid and brave at the same time.” — Brené Brown
  • 3:30 - “Courage is not the lack of fear. It is acting in spite of it.” — Mark Twain

“Courage is not the absence of fear, it is the ability to act in the presence of fear.” — Bruce Lee

"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear." — Nelson Mandela

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the assessment that something else is more important than fear.” ― Franklin D. Roosevelt

  • 5:26 - Why should you tell your family
  • 6:46 - The Healing Ointment of Forgiveness By Elder Kevin R. Duncan https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2016/04/the-healing-ointment-of-forgiveness?lang=eng
  • 7:52 - ““Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.” — Brené Brown
  • 8:21 - “True belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.” — Brené Brown
  • 9:06 - BYU Idaho Devo: Christian Mawlam - "Authentically Connected to Heaven” https://video.byui.edu/media/Christian+Mawlam+-+%22Authentically+Connected+to+Heaven%E2%80%9D/0_urfyw5r1
  • 10:16 - Hymn #3 https://www.lds.org/music/library/hymns/now-let-us-rejoice?lang=eng&_r=1
  • 12:02 - Shakespeare’s Hamlet “This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.”  http://shakespeare.mit.edu/hamlet/full.html
  • 16:52 - How to tell your family
  • 23:38 - Linda talks about sharing from the betrayed point of view
  • 28:07 - Telling Linda’s Mom
  • 29:35 - Telling Linda’s Bro. and Sis. In Law
  • 33:06 - 1 Nephi 8:25 - And after they had partaken of the fruit of the tree they did cast their eyes about as if they were ashamed. https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/1-ne/8
  • 36:36 - “While shame triggers can vary between individuals and cultures, there are certain triggers that are more common than others such as: appearance and body image, sexuality, family, motherhood, parenting, professional identity and work, mental and physical health, aging, religion, speaking out, and surviving trauma This wide range of examples shows that shame can occur in all aspects of someone’s life, underscoring the importance of Shame Resilience Theory…  Shame needs to be acknowledged and understood before it can be overcome. SRT research suggests that shame is most harmful when it goes unacknowledged and is not spoken of. https://positivepsychologyprogram.com/shame-resilience-theory/
  • 37:45 - 239 reference to shame in the scriptures (we didn’t read them all on the podcast)
  • 38:59 - 1 Nephi 21:23 - And kings shall be thy nursing fathers, and their queens thy nursing mothers; they shall bow down to thee with their face towards the earth, and lick up the dust of thy feet; and thou shalt know that I am the Lord; for they shall not be ashamed that wait for me. https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/1-ne/21?lang=eng

HOMEWORK (45:21)

  • Make a plan to share with your family! And don't make the betrayed share the story, the addicted needs to share it in a way that does not put blame or responsibility on the betrayed or your efforts will be pointless. The more the addicted can be real and share how much pain he has caused his spouse, the easier the recovery can become for the betrayed. This is where you get serious points for pointing out the pain and hurt, she is the victim here, remember to be empathetic. Obviously, she won't want to be in "victim mode" forever and you'd not making it worse by saying things, but allowing her that role and validating her feelings and time to heal are crucial steps to helping her heal and move from a victim to victor.

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Feeling alone was the WORST, share this with someone you think will benefit. Listen in or watch the ugly crying on 20 raw conversations from our first season!

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Disclaimer: The Clark N Linda Show includes thoughts, opinions, experiences, and testimonies of hosts Clark & Linda Winegar. The information shared is neither intended nor implied to be a substitute for professional sexual addiction therapy, betrayal trauma therapy, marriage counseling/therapy or legal advice. Please seek professional help for recovery & healing. You know, like from people who actually went to school or have had more than just 1st hand experience with this. Also, said thoughts, opinions, experiences, and testimonies represent those of two individual members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, BUT we do not claim to represent or speak for The Church in any official capacity. Expressed views and opinions should not be construed as official church doctrine—though we’ll certainly try not to stray far from it and hope someone calls us out if we do.

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